Last week in my office, a husband sat across from me, clearly frustrated and agitated. His words came out fast and loud. “What can I say to get her to listen?” he asked, exasperated.
But here was the problem: his wife, sitting just a few feet away, was trying to listen. In fact, she’d been trying to speak for several minutes, but his rapid-fire interruptions kept cutting her off. I could see her shutting down, overwhelmed by the verbal onslaught.
After several attempts to slow him down, I raised my voice. “LISTEN TO HER.”
That got his attention. He stopped, giving his wife space to express her thoughts. The dynamic shifted.
This situation plays out in relationships all the time. One person feels unheard and ramps up their efforts to communicate. The other person, feeling overwhelmed, retreats or disengages. It’s a vicious cycle. And while the urge to demand attention is natural, it often has the opposite effect – it drowns the other person out.
What Can We Do Differently?
Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert known for his decades of research, offers practical tools for managing conflict and communication. If you find yourself asking why your partner isn’t listening, he suggests asking yourself this: Are you listening to them?
Accept your partner’s influence by creating space for their feelings and desires. When you dominate the conversation, the message your partner hears is “my way or the highway.” Nothing good comes from that.
Not every issue in a relationship can be neatly solved. People who are successful in relationships understand that keeping an open dialogue prevents small issues from becoming bigger ones.
Pro Tip: Pay Attention to Yourself.
When conversations heat up, it’s easy to become emotionally overwhelmed. Your heart races, your muscles tense, and suddenly you’re in fight-or-flight mode. If you don’t recognize your emotional state, your brain shifts into survival gear.
In those moments, take a break. Step away for 20-30 minutes, do something calming, and return when you’re ready to engage without defensiveness.
Start Softly
When you come back to the conversation, Start Softly. Begin difficult conversations with a gentle approach. Use “I” statements to express needs, like “I’m frustrated because I’m doing as much as I can, and it never seems like it’s enough. I need you to acknowledge that I’m trying.”
The cartoon that inspired this blog might be a little bit over the top. Even so, it’s a complaint I’ve listened to many times:
WHY WON’T SHE JUST LISTEN?
The irony is clear. The louder he shouts, the less he’s heard. The answer might not lie in talking more or “saying the right thing.” Often, it begins with listening – really listening – to the person sitting across from us.
Next time you feel unheard, pause. Ask yourself if you’re making space for your partner to speak. The shift may start with you.
