Category: Being Assertive (Page 1 of 2)

The House That Looked Like Order

Before apps and automatic transfers, there was the kitchen table — the quiet command center of family life. That’s where the smell of Grandma’s fresh-baked cookies filled the air, homey artwork lined the walls, and a starburst clock kept perfect time — an optimistic little sun presiding over the daily order. Everything about that house said warmth, routine, and safety, or at least looked that way.

That sense of security came from the appearance of order. Bills got paid, dinner appeared, and the world seemed to make sense. What your memories may not include are the unspoken assumptions and quiet sacrifices — the cultural constraints and gender roles that kept the gears turning. The invisible machinery made home feel safe, even if it wasn’t always fair. (Spoiler: emotional labor wasn’t even called labor yet.)

Bacon, Grease, and the Golden Rule

Back then, Grandpa brought in the bacon and was honored for the sizzle; Grandma cooked it and used the grease to keep the household running. On the surface, it looked efficient, even loving — everyone had their role. But that tidy division of labor came with a grease stain — the kind that doesn’t wash out: built-in inequity.

Those old-fashioned values leaned on what was called the “Golden Rule,” the expectation of fairness. But the truer saying, then and now, is “Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.” Money talks, and the rest of us make do. Grandma? She “made do” with plenty of love, a smile, a sigh, and a spotless kitchen. Grandpa got the last pour of bourbon and the final say — or so he thought.

Modern Money, Same Old Tension

These days, there’s no predetermined answer to who earns the money, who manages it, or who decides how it’s spent. Some couples merge accounts, others split them, some go halfsies in the name of fairness — but none of it cancels out the quiet (or not-so-quiet) conflicts over safety, control, and trust. The Golden Rule still applies, separate bank accounts notwithstanding. (Venmo didn’t solve patriarchy; it just made reimbursements faster.)

The Math Doesn’t Add Up

Splitting everything 50/50 sounds fair in theory but rarely works in practice. So much starts out unequal — income, labor, caregiving, emotional bandwidth. Who’s caring for kids, aging parents, pets, or holding the family’s emotional center? And that’s before we even talk about the fact that people naturally want different things.

And then there’s the invisible labor — the person who plans, anticipates, and reminds; who knows when the bills are due, when the insurance renews, when the kids’ tuition hits. That’s not just organization — it’s mental load. It’s the emotional weight of making sure everyone else feels secure, often without acknowledgment or help. And yes, it’s work. (No pension, but lots of receipts.)

Money is Power

Sharing money is sharing power, and you can’t balance dreams, safety, and groceries on the same scale. It’s less about math and more about trust — tuning into your partner, understanding why you each need what you need, and saying it out loud. (Pro tip: do that before the credit-card bill arrives.) Skip the debate over who pays what, and ask instead: What does money mean to you right now? What are you afraid of losing? What would make you feel safe? Those questions build more security than any spreadsheet ever could.

The Grandparents in the Wallet

Our relationship with money doesn’t start in adulthood; it starts in childhood. We watch how our parents and caregivers earn, spend, save, and fight about it — and then we copy, rebel, or overcorrect. Maybe you grew up in a house where money was tight and every purchase had to be justified. Maybe it was plentiful, but used as proof of love or control. Either way, the story you learned back then shapes how you handle it now.

Some people calm their anxiety by tracking every dollar, believing that if they stay on top of the numbers, nothing bad can happen. Others feel safest by letting someone else handle the money — not because they don’t care, but because watching the numbers rise and fall makes them nervous. And some of us do both, depending on the week.

That’s why “You handle it” isn’t always about convenience — it can mean, I don’t want to feel this anxiety right now. And “I’ll handle it” isn’t always about competence — it can mean, I can’t relax unless I’m in control. What looks like a simple division of labor is often two nervous systems negotiating for safety.

When couples start talking about money, they’re really talking about trust, fear, and the ghosts of old family stories — ghosts that still whisper what’s “normal,” what’s “enough,” and who’s supposed to be in charge.

Whose Wallet Is It Anyway?

So how do you figure out who should “run” the money? Start by dropping the idea that you can share a life but keep your finances separate from it. You’re already financially intertwined — pretending otherwise just hides the power dynamics that are already at play. Not everyone has to love spreadsheets or take on the heavy lifting, but like any other power issue in a relationship, the agreement should be clear and consensual. Talking about it doesn’t make things awkward; it keeps them honest.

Begin with three conversations — ideally before someone’s holding the credit-card bill like a subpoena:

1. Trade Family Stories. Ask each other what money was like growing up — who controlled it, who avoided it, and what that felt like. You’ll learn more in ten minutes of story than in a year of spreadsheets.
2. Talk About Triggers. What parts of money make you anxious or shut down? Taxes? Overspending? The “what ifs”? Knowing each other’s danger zones helps you assign roles that fit strengths, not fears.
3. Decide on Transparency. Whether one of you pays the bills or you both do, agree that neither is “in charge.” You’re both custodians of shared trust. Check in regularly — not to audit, but to connect.

The goal isn’t perfect equality; it’s collaboration without fear. When the system starts to wobble, go back to curiosity: What’s happening underneath this money fight? Nine times out of ten, it’s not about the numbers — it’s about safety, respect, or the need to feel heard.

Cookies, Bourbon, and an Old Grease Stain

And maybe, just maybe, picture Grandma and Grandpa again — sitting at that kitchen table, the smell of cookies still in the air, the checkbook open between them. Imagine Grandma leaning in this time, pen in hand, eyes locked with Grandpa’s. They’re not fighting; they’re smiling — possibly because she just found out he can bake too. The cookies are still warm, the bourbon’s still poured, and the old grease stain’s finally wiped clean.

This time, the power isn’t making a mess. They’ve learned to cook without splatter — less smoke, less cleanup, more flavor. It takes less energy to make it work, and it leaves a little extra for what matters most: another round of cookies… and bourbon.

Column J: Hidden Resentments

According to a YouGov survey, 28% of couples fight about money. Worse, research on everyday marital conflicts finds that money related disputes tend to last longer, recur more often, feel more significant, and are less likely to be resolved than fights about other topics.

Money isn’t just money—it’s love, safety, fairness, freedom, and the irritation stemming from “Why did you blow $550 on new headphones when we can’t afford to fix the dishwasher?”

So, let’s bust a myth: “Separate bank accounts mean we won’t fight about money.” Cute idea. Too bad it doesn’t work.

You don’t get financial freedom just because you each have your own debit card. You still share a mortgage/rent, groceries, insurance, and the joy of streaming bills. Separate accounts don’t erase interdependence—they just make it easier to pretend.

The “I’ll Pay X, You Pay Y” Illusion

Dividing bills sounds so tidy: “You cover rent, I’ll take utilities.” Done, right? Wrong. That’s not a financial plan—it’s a roommate agreement.

Here’s what that neat little math “solution” ignores:

• Income gaps = power gaps. The partner earning less often feels like they have less voice in how money is spent.
• Not all contributions are financial. Housework, childcare, and emotional labor don’t show up in a checking account, but hey: this is a relationship blog. Ignore those contributions at your peril.
• Hidden resentments thrive in silence. What feels “fair” to one partner may feel forced or inequitable to the other.

The truth is, “I’ll pay X, you pay Y” is a shortcut. And shortcuts in relationships usually mean skipping the hard stuff—like values, fairness, and trust… foundational elements of a healthy intimate relationship.

California Reality Check

Quick disclaimer: I’m a therapist, not your lawyer. If you need legal advice, talk to one.

For married couples in California (and other community property states), separate accounts don’t actually mean separate assets. You might feel more independent, but the court may see it differently.

Which brings us back to the real question: Are you using separate accounts for healthy autonomy—or as a way to keep secrets? If you can’t show your partner your bank statement, but you’re fine letting them see you drool in your sleep, we might need to talk about your definition of “healthy autonomy”.

Relationship First, Money Second

Money fights aren’t usually about money.

Fights about money – and agreements about money – are fights and agreements about the relationship. So before you even touch the numbers, ask yourselves: What kind of team do we want to be?

• Do we want an all-in partnership with full financial transparency?
• Or do we want to allow for individual autonomy—and if so, how much?

Put bluntly: if you’re ready to share a life together but not your financial truths, don’t be surprised when trust issues show up in both places.

Separate (but still huge) factor: your family of origin shaped your comfort with money long before you met your partner. If no one ever taught you to budget, or money was a taboo topic in your house, then you’ve got some extra work to do. You can’t commit to what you don’t understand.

Household Finance Hack

Here’s a hack that works for most couples:

1. Start with values. What matters more—security, fun, generosity, growth? Name them together.
2. Fund “Ours” first. Housing, food, insurance, kids, savings, shared goals. Take care of the team before the individuals.
3. Then carve out discretionary dollars. Note: dollars, not categories. That means your slice of money is yours to spend—no judgment. If you want three boxes of donuts, a new purse, or the latest Apple Watch, that’s your business. No snark from your partner required.
4. Automate visibility. Use apps like Mint, YNAB, or Monarch to track spending and categorize it automatically. That way no one partner ends up stuck playing Accountant of Doom at the kitchen table with a spreadsheet.
   • And here’s the key: everyone contributing to the budget gets to see the budget and the spending. Even if a partner isn’t at all interested in the money, knowing they can see whatever they want to see whenever they want to see it is a sure fire way to build trust and safety.

Bottom Line

Separate accounts don’t stop fights. Shared clarity doesn’t guarantee peace either—but it gives you a fighting chance. Autonomy only works if it’s framed as “this is for me” and understood as “it’s still part of us.”

Your money system is an expression of your relationship. Decide what kind of relationship you want, and let the money plan reflect that. Otherwise, you’re just roommates with benefits and joint Wi-Fi (and maybe a couple of shared streaming passwords).

Nice watch!

If you’ve ever had a “money fight” with your partner, chances are you weren’t really fighting about the money.

Sure, it might look like a debate over a purchase, a budget, or a bank account — but beneath the surface, money often stands in for something bigger and messier.

Why We Spend the Way We Spend

Sometimes a purchase is just a purchase — a new pair of shoes, a bigger TV, a dinner out.

But just as often, it’s not about the thing itself. It’s about what the thing means to us:

• A pair of shoes that says, Look at me!
• A TV so big it says, I deserve to feel like I’m at the game!
• A fancy dinner out that says, We’re celebrating, woo-hoo!

These aren’t bad impulses; they’re human ones. The trouble comes when the special meaning we gave an item — knowingly or not — runs headlong into our partner’s reaction.

How Shame Gets Pulled Into the Room

When you buy something to validate yourself — the watch, the purse, the car, the splurge dinner — you want your partner to celebrate it with you.

Instead, you hear:

“Do we really need that?”
“That’s too much money.”

In an instant, what felt like fun (and maybe self-care) can turn into self-doubt and resentment. The good feelings are replaced by shame or defensiveness — not because of the item itself, but because your partner has (perhaps unintentionally) invalidated what it meant to you.

The Emotional Math Behind Money

We like to believe our spending decisions are logical.

Mostly, they’re not.

Even in business, after the spreadsheets and scorecards, final decisions often come down to an emotion-based choice between similar options. The difference? At work, your spouse isn’t standing there with a raised eyebrow.

In a relationship, every purchase lives inside a shared emotional space. That space might be:

• Open and trusting – where curiosity outweighs criticism.
• Tense and mistrustful – where each purchase feels like a test.
• A mix of both – like the famous box of chocolates: you never know what you’re going to get.

The Role of Upbringing

Our money habits didn’t start with our current partner. Early messages from family, culture, and past relationships shape how we spend — and how we react to our partner’s spending.

• If your childhood taught you that spending is indulgent or unsafe, you may hear judgment even when none is intended.
  • If you grew up so resource-strapped you were begging neighbors to pick their weeds so your mom could cook them for dinner, spending might always carry a faint sense of danger, even in good times.
• If you grew up equating spending with success, being questioned can feel like being told you’re not successful enough.
• If you grew up with wealth and privilege, you may see spending as natural and unremarkable — which can clash with a partner who treats every dollar as a decision.

Those early experiences don’t disappear when we become adults. They ride along with us — and sometimes, they’re the ones really doing the talking in a money fight.

Practical Takeaways

• Name the need – Ask yourself: Am I buying this to meet a practical need or an emotional one? Focus not just on what you buy, but why you buy it — and consider whether that “why” is influenced by your early money experiences.
• Set “no-discussion” thresholds – Agree that purchases under $X don’t require consultation.
• Separate autonomy from secrecy – Personal spending freedom doesn’t have to mean financial blind spots.
• Use a values-based budget – Align your spending plan with what matters most to both of you.

Ask This Before Your Next “Money Fight”

• Is this actually about money? Are we talking about rent money — or resentment money?
• Is this a values clash? Are we disagreeing about what matters, or about the price tag?
• Am I buying this to feel worthy? If so, is there a healthier way to meet that need?

Bottom Line

If you’re fighting over a $75 purse when the bills are paid, the fight probably isn’t about the purse. But if the account is empty and someone buys the latest gadget, it may be an attempt to fill a self-worth gap that money can’t actually fill.

Talking openly — even about the shame stuff — can help you both see what’s really at stake. Because if you only ever talk about the dollars, you risk missing the truth hiding underneath.

Shhhh… We Don’t Talk About Money!

We need to talk about money.
Which is awkward, because most of us were taught not to.

It’s a little strange, isn’t it? We spend so much time thinking about money, worrying about it, trying to stretch it. We tell ourselves it’s not what matters most. That it doesn’t define us. Meanwhile, we casually refer to rich people as having a “high net worth.”

Truth is, money touches nearly every part of our lives—identity, security, autonomy, trust, power, love, and sometimes even lust.
But talking about it? That’s where we draw the line.

Ask someone about their income, credit card debt, or whether they can actually afford that trip to Italy, and you’ve committed a social sin. It’s “none of your business.” And that silence? That’s no way to build a shared financial life.

How Did We Get Here?

Our discomfort didn’t start with budgeting apps or forgotten Venmo requests. It started much earlier.

Maybe your parents tried to protect you by keeping money stress a secret. Or maybe you asked how much something cost and got scolded for being “nosy.” Maybe Aunt Bea and Uncle Arthur got dragged in whispered tones at Thanksgiving for living beyond their means.
Growing up in that kind of environment, you may have learned that money is sacred, private, off-limits—something to worry about, but never discuss.

Money comes with baggage. The family-sized kind. And enough cultural taboo to sink the Titanic—again.

So we avoid the topic. We split responsibilities, keep our accounts separate, and try not to rock the boat. We’re pretending to be 100% partners while acting like money doesn’t impact our relationship.

But here’s the thing: you are already communicating with your partner about money—whether you talk about it or not.

What That Blender Really Means

That $125 blender? In one family, it’s a thoughtful upgrade. In another, it’s a reckless impulse buy. Same object. Completely different meanings.

And here’s the real kicker: those meanings usually go unspoken. We don’t talk about the spending until the rent is past due or the check bounces. So the only time we do talk about money is when we’re already stressed about it. Not exactly a recipe for healthy communication.

You Don’t Have to Wing It

If love is supposed to conquer all, why does it struggle so hard when it comes to money?

Because money isn’t just numbers and budgets. It’s history. It’s identity. It’s power, trust, and emotional safety. It’s the story we’ve lived—and the one we’re still writing together.

Over the next few posts, we’ll unpack why money is such a loaded topic—and how to make those conversations easier, more connected, and a little less terrifying.

Because while love can conquer a lot, it doesn’t pay the bills (#FlyingLizards). And besides—it shouldn’t have to.

You don’t need a spreadsheet.
You need a brave conversation.