A friend recently asked me to revisit a blog post I wrote called Relationships and Power. His takeaway?

“Everything in life is a negotiation.”

He’s not wrong—relational dynamics do involve give and take. But he went further, suggesting that couples should approach negotiations from a clear-headed, unemotional place to achieve outcomes that are fair to both partners.

I respect the intent. But I think there are a couple of problems with this idea when applied to intimate relationships.

First, the word “negotiation” carries baggage. It suggests tactics, strategy, maybe even a little manipulation. But when it comes to intimacy, we’re not aiming for leverage—we’re aiming for closeness. Vulnerability. Trust. Trying to “win” with your partner is a great way to lose the relationship.

Second, there’s an often-unspoken assumption baked into the negotiation model: that both partners are equal. Equal in voice, in privilege, in power. But life—and relationships—aren’t always that balanced. Power often follows privilege: money, time, gender roles, emotional availability. And when one partner has more of those resources, guess who usually wins the “negotiation”? (Hint: not the one doing the laundry.)

Which brings me to another issue: all too often, the person who cares most about a task ends up doing it—by default, not by discussion. According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, in marriages where both spouses earn about the same, women still spend significantly more time on caregiving and housework. And when no one’s talking about it, resentment builds quietly—until it doesn’t.

So yes, there is a place for negotiation in relationships. Someone has to figure out who’s putting the kids to bed, who’s paying the bills, who’s folding the towels (or pretending to fold them until someone else refolds them correctly).

But here’s the thing: negotiate like partners, not opponents. In business, a good negotiation ends in profit. In a relationship, a “win” often means someone loses trust or intimacy.

Try this instead:

  • ✅ Talk it out—even when it’s uncomfortable

  • ❌ Don’t hide from conflict or assume your partner “should just know”

  • ✅ Be transparent and curious about what each of you needs

  • ❌ Don’t keep score—this isn’t a game

  • ✅ Lean into emotional attunement, not strategy

In the end, it’s not about a perfect 50/50 split. It’s about creating a relationship that feels fair, flexible, and safe to both people.

Now, if you’ll excuse me—
someone’s gotta sweep the floor.