The other day, I heard about a woman in a therapist group who was struggling with loneliness as an “empty nester.” She wanted to build friendships and perhaps find a romantic partner, but despite her efforts to engage in groups and host events, she found that people didn’t seem to connect with her. She described her past friendships as “one-sided” and “surface level.”
Her frustration was clear. She was always the one initiating conversations and keeping things going. When she stopped trying, the friendships faded away. She was looking for people who were willing to invest in the relationship as much as she was.
Her question was simple: How do people find meaningful connections anymore?
There were plenty of suggestions—be more intentional about the types of people you want to be around, spend time at farmers’ markets, museums, or the gym, and try social apps like Meetup.com.
These are all good ideas, but there’s a bigger issue that didn’t come up: maintaining a circle of friends requires effort. It would be wonderful if friendships maintained themselves effortlessly, but in our busy, distracted world, that’s rarely the case. The woman’s experience might have less to do with her and more to do with the fast-paced, over-committed lifestyles we all lead.
Blame the Internet and information overload, blame work culture, globalization, competition, and economic pressures—we’re all overwhelmed. When the couch is so comfortable and screen-scrolling is just a flick away, it’s easy to let friendships slip.
Sure, she wants to be pursued in her friendships—don’t we all? But sometimes, when we’re tired and need our privacy, even the idea of maintaining a connection can feel exhausting.
Let’s face it: making and keeping friends as adults takes more effort. When we were younger, friendships formed naturally because we saw the same people every day at school. Now, as adults, we move around, and staying connected requires deliberate action.
So, what’s the solution? It seems we need a friendship formula. Interestingly enough, I found a pretty good one dating back to the early 1600s. In Act 1, Scene 3 of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius gives some timeless advice.
Let’s take inspiration from Shakespeare and keep nurturing our connections.
There, my blessing with thee.
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel,
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear ’t that th’ opposèd may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear but few thy voice.
Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not expressed in fancy—rich, not gaudy,
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell. My blessing season this in thee.
